Discussion Questions for Couples

Here’s an interesting exercise for the bride and groom to do. You can go to the web site at
www.courseptr.com, enter Picture Yourself Planning Your Perfect Wedding, and click the Downloads link to
print these sample forms and quizzes. Try this as a couple, and see where these discussion topics lead
you—just some food for thought.
The object of these questions is to discuss your beliefs and improve your understanding of your expectations
prior to marriage. Each of you should take a separate piece of paper and answer the questions in private, giving
thoughtful (and truthful) answers. Then, bring your answers to each other and discuss them to figure out
how to improve the areas that need work. Don’t worry, there will—and should—be some!
Exercise A
1. Why are you considering marriage? Briefly, what does marriage mean to you?
2. Do you trust this person you want to spend your life with? Will you be trustworthy to your spouse?
How? Why?
3. What are your goals in marriage?
4. What, in your opinion, constitutes a “good marriage”?
5. Are you prepared to make this new family unit first (before friends and relatives) in your life from now on?
6. How do you make decisions? How will you make decisions after you are married?
7. What do you think you, as a couple, agree most on? (Name at least 5 things.)

8. What do you disagree most about? (Name at least 3 things.)
9. What happens when you disagree?
10. What is your definition of compromise?
11. How do you feel about compromising?
12. What kinds of things are you willing to compromise about?
13. What kinds of things will you NOT compromise about? Why? (Really think on this one.)
14. What happens if you don’t compromise?
Exercise B
1. In what ways are you alike?
2. In what ways are you different?
3. Name one thing you like to do together. Why?
4. Name one thing you do not like to do together. Why?
5. How’s your temper? What happens when you lose your temper? Why?

. When you were growing up, how was anger handled in your home?
7. What were a couple of pluses or minuses about how anger was handled in your family?
8. How could you improve on how anger is handled in your own home?
9. Do you feel that you and your partner resolve differences and discuss relationship issues well?
10. Do you feel that you carry an unfair burden in resolving differences and discussing relationship issues?
What would you like to change about the way you do this?
Exercise C
1. What are your expectations for the next 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? Be as specific as possible.
Do you expect to have kids, buy a house, change career paths?
2. How many children do you want to have?
3. Do you agree that being parents means being there and raising the children, not leaving their care
and training to a sitter or caregiver? Do you think that both parents should share the parenting
responsibilities or only one parent? Which responsibilities do you think will be yours? Your partner’s?
Do you agree with that division? Is it fair or acceptable to you?
4. Will one of you stay home with the children? For how long? How do you feel about daycare?
5. Do you both plan to work to support the family?

6. Who will care for the children and house? Will the division of labor change if one of you stays at home
with the children? Is that acceptable to both of you? How will that parent get a break or time to
him/herself?
7. How will finances and budgets change if only one partner is working outside the home?
8. How will disciplining the children be handled? Should both parents determine the appropriate
discipline? Under what circumstances can one parent decide alone? Will you use corporal punishment
or other methods of discipline? Under what circumstances, if any, is it okay to spank?
9. Have you thought about the care and discipline of your children as they reach the “trying teens”?
10. Will you both be involved in the children’s schooling by being in regular contact with teachers, helping
with homework, and so on?
11. Will they be allowed to watch TV? How much? What other activities could you do together to create
family time?
12. Do you have ideas about what kinds of foods kids should eat? Do you agree that the family should share
meals together? How often?
Exercise D
1. If your partner got transferred to another city, what would you do?
2. In what parts of the country/world are you willing to live? Not willing to live?

3. Do you want to live in a small town? City? Suburb? Country? House? What size? For how long? New
construction? 20 year old construction? 80 year old construction? Ranch? Two-story?

Big master bedroom?
Lots of entertaining space? Big yard?
4. How did your parents handle the division of labor in your home when you were growing up?
5. How do you plan to handle the division of labor in your home?
6. Is a “clean” house important to you? How clean? How often? What are the minimum standards you are
willing to live with? Who decides what is most important?
7. Are pets in the house acceptable? If so, which ones? How many? Are there any pets that are not acceptable
to you?
8. Under what conditions would you ask for financial help from others either inside or outside of the family?
Exercise E
1. Did you and your family attend church as a child?
2. How has this influenced your life?
3. Do you attend church now? How important is that to you?
4. Do you intend to attend church together as a couple? How important is that to you?
5. Do you intend to attend church together as a family? How important is that to you?

6. Do you think it is important for your children to attend church or have some form of religious instruction?
7. Is it important that your children attend parochial school? Do you agree on this?
8. Do you think spirituality helps develop moral character? What aspects of your partner’s character would
you like to see passed on to your children? What changes do you wish to see in your partner to ensure
strong character in your children?
9. Do you want your kids to be raised in your religion/culture? Is it important to you to celebrate holidays
in your traditions? How? Which ones are most important to you?
10. Do you want to visit family for holidays or stay home? Will this change when you have kids?
Which holidays are important for you to spend with your family?
Exercise F
1. What kind of food do you like to eat on a daily basis? Do you like to just catch some meals for yourself,
even when your partner’s home, or do you always want to eat together when possible? Does the way
your partner eats bother you? How can you help each other to develop healthier eating habits?
2. Is it okay to have a “night out” alone? If so, will you be sure to always remember family responsibilities
and not do anything to endanger family solidarity? Under what circumstances would a night out be
unacceptable? How will you agree on the limits?
3. What about jealousy? Is it okay for you or your partner to have friendships with members of the
opposite sex? Touch them? How? What do you consider flirting? How will you handle jealousy?
4. Is it okay for you or your partner to go out alone with members of the opposite sex to a restaurant?
For lunch? Dinner? To a movie? Concert? Ride in a vehicle? Go to their place? In what circumstances?
If not, how can you both best avoid these circumstances?

5. Can you discuss sexual needs openly? How about other physical compatibility? Do you like sleeping
curled up together or with space between you? Do you think frequent affection (holding hands,
snuggling, hugs, kisses) is important? Can you make it a practice to show affection to your partner at
least once a day? How do you feel about displaying affection in public?
6. Do you like to watch TV in bed? Read in bed? Does having someone watching TV or reading in bed
keep you from sleeping? Do you have objections on other grounds to TV or books in bed? How will you
find a compromise?
Exercise G
1. What kind of financial arrangements do you think would work best for you and your partner? All joint
accounts? Separate accounts? Joint and separate accounts? If you’re using some variant on separate
accounts, will you each pay a proportional share of joint expenses? An equal share? Pool everything,
but each get spending money to put into individual accounts? How will you allocate “mad money”?
Equally or proportional? How do you feel about the options that aren’t your first choice?
2. Do you agree that financial commitments (debt) made prior to this marriage must be honored?
3. Do you agree that you will do everything you can to contribute whatever support is needed to meet
your prior commitments and current and future financial responsibilities? (This may mean you both
work more than one job to pay off old bills, and not taking on new debts, including having children,
in the meantime!)
4. Will you agree to set up a workable budget and stick to it?
5. As soon as old bills are taken care of, will you work together to build a bank account and start a retirement
fund so that you can protect your family in times of need?
6. Can each of you agree not to take on debt without the knowledge and agreement of the other partner?
In what amounts? Anything over $100? $250?
7. How much do you expect to spend on your relatives as gifts?

8. Is it important to you to save for your children’s college education? To save enough to pay for all of it?
Is it more important to save for their education than to buy them nice clothes in elementary school?
9. How about saving for retirement?
Exercise H
1. Under what conditions would you consider divorce? (If he/she converts to a religion you disagree with?
If he/she has an affair? If he/she loses his/her sex drive? If he/she stops taking care of his/her body?
What does it mean to “stop taking care of his/her body”? If he/she won’t help out with the household
chores or caring for the children?) What can you do to prevent that from happening?
2. Do you agree that marriage is a sacred, lifelong commitment to each other and to God?
3. In your opinion, what is “abuse”? Has anyone ever accused you of being abusive? Do you think you are
ever abusive? If yes, why? Name three better ways to respond.
4. Will you commit to getting marital counseling before getting a divorce?
5. Do you take care of your personal health—not abuse alcohol or drugs, visit your doctor at least once a
year, and so on? Will you commit to this?
6. Can you envision “growing old” and sharing a life and family with this person? Does this appeal to you?
Exercise I
1. How much private time/space do you need? What kind of private time do you need? Are there any of
your belongings that you don’t want your partner to disturb?

2. What do you expect your evenings and weekends to be like after you are married? Is that okay with
both of you? How often do you expect to go out together? Alone? With friends?
3. What do you like to do with your partner?
4. Where do you want to go/what do you want to do on vacation? How frequently do you want to go?
For how long? Are you a three-day weekend person or a two-week vacation person?
5. When you get together with other people as a couple, do you feel that your partner treats you well in
public? How do you wish you were treated differently?
6. Do you have a lot of common friends? Do you think it’s okay for couples to argue in public,
or should they only argue in private? Is it okay to argue about some things publicly, but not others?
If so, which things? Is it okay to disagree, but not to argue?
7. How often do you like to go to parties? What kind of parties do you like to go to? Is it okay for you to
attend parties alone?
8. Do you like to host your own parties? What kind? How often? What are your entertaining expectations
after you are married?
9. How about hosting more casual get-togethers? How often do you expect to do these things?